sun posted: Sun 2018-03-04 08:29:35 tags: n/a
Fri the internets went out a bit before 9am, probably related to regional storm-class winds. We got service back by 5 but the day was pretty much shot for anything worky. Sat we visited the historic Yates Mill park and took some pics. Stopping en route for brisket bbq sammiches, we headed to the Neuse River Greenway Trail parking at Poole Rd. That was a nice approx 2-mile walk, and I also climbed down to the river and explored onto the rocks that extend halfway into the river between Jeffrey and Woodard Streets. This was not an easy skipping from rock to rock - there were places I would certainly have been stuck if the rocks were not dry, if my sneakers had less grip, if I lacked the hand and upper-body strength to pull myself up the steep sides of a couple of the rocks. One thing I found especially curious was the presence of collected empty mollusk shells, like small clam or mussel shells you'd find on the beach, in a couple of spots. Are there freshwater shellfish in the Neuse? Do otters or raccoons eat them, were these remains of bird feasts, or perhaps leftovers from a fishing human's bait stash? For dinner we stopped at Cloos' Coney Island Hot Dogs. Not quite a "texas weiner" ala Rutt's Hut, Midtown Grill or The Hot Grill, but OK.

Something that's been high on my to-do list for a long time is "make friends". Back in 2013 I turned to the church community to rebuild my social life. Getting into volunteer work was not a mistake, but I brought an expectation into it that proved to be a mistake: that volunteering would seed friendships that would in turn transcend and endure beyond volunteer participation. Now, a sense of being valued that derives from what you contribute to a shared agenda, is better than no sense of being valued at all, sure. But it's "friends for a season, friends for a reason". When I stepped back from the agendas, the connections faded just as quickly and I was back at square one.

I've been reading Jared Diamond's "The World Until Yesterday", and there was a pertinent observation that friendship for its own sake is not a bond-building value across cultures. In his example, two men from different villages spent a couple weeks together as porters or guides for one of Diamond's field trips, but after the project was over, the one he stayed in touch with scoffed at the idea of visiting the other, even though they'd had an easy, friendly rapport. Sustaining the connection sheerly for its own sake was not a value in that culture, not without a pragmatic motivation like family or trade connections.

So the question is not just "how to make friends", but "how to make friends without bogging down in superficial or opportunistic entanglements". That's deeper than "how to make friends" advice articles (e.g. WikiHow) usually go. Part of the solution is in pursuing PASSIONS rather than PEOPLE. It also entails some self-examination... am I habitually negative, tired, visibly underconfident? Do I have the energy to put as much into the friendship as I want to receive from it? Am I inviting pity, am I a "comfort sponge" - or do I invite admiration and gratitude? Am I more draining or more inspiring?

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Today's "Raised By Narcissists" vocabulary phrase is "covert incest". I ran across the phrase in a post from someone who felt intensely uncomfortable and "trapped" by nightly exposure to the parents' vocal/noisy sexual activity. You wouldn't vocalize loudly during sex when your visiting adult family or friends were trying to sleep in the guest room, so have AT LEAST that much consideration for your kids, too.

Pysch.Today: Ken Adams defines covert incest and describes its lingering traumas