thu posted: Thu 2018-06-07 05:01:10 tags: n/a
An LBOM friend emailed yesterday to say his wife had passed. I'd only met her once. Back before I withdrew from LBOM, he sent me a couple email invites to pricey men's spirituality workshops, but I didn't have that kind of money in the budget so our friendship didn't really break out of the LBOM box. Anyway, his message was entirely focused on his assurance of afterlife reward, not loss. It felt a little perverse to break that narrative to say "sorry for your loss".

Miss sent me a picture of a rescue cat yesterday. We got talking about cats we had known. The two most affectionate and hence beloved cats in my life were my sister's tortoiseshell Frannie, and That Girl's Monkey. Monkey loved to play fetch. Monkey would be 22ish now, i.e. almost certainly crossed the rainbow bridge.

So last night I dreamed I was attending a nodermeet and I guess I thought it would be fine to get undressed, but then I got self-conscious so I got dressed again. Toward the end, I ran into Monkey. I held her and cried and cried with joy that she was still alive.

I remember a couple times after Albany Grandpa died, he appeared in my dreams. And I think my cousin Diana. Dad as I saw him when I was a child, has been dead to me for a long time, and his presence in my dreams tends to spotlight the disorder that spilled over into the lives of everyone closely linked with him. Now that Mom has passed I suppose I should expect her to find her way into my dreams, but that hasn't happened yet.

I'm always looking at new ways to relate my life story. Lately I've been thinking about the 4 C's of Al-Anon: We didn't Cause our loved one's addiction, we can't Control or Cure it... but we can Contribute to it. For a long time I would say "it's not fair to say anyone drives someone else to drink, but in Mom's case, I would say Dad kept the engine warm". It's funny because the metaphor of driving gets reinforced by the engine warming metaphor. It's hard to deliver in a way that highlights the cleverness of it, so maybe I need to let that go and run instead with unwrapping the 4 C's - Dad didn't cause Mom's alcohol crisis, couldn't control or cure it, but he damn sure contributed, day in and day out.