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wed posted: Wed 2018-10-10 08:50:33 tags: n/a
Last week the bookkeeper from EC tried to call me about transferring their old accounting software data file to her computer for a new version installation, and it sounded like something that would be very difficult for me to assist with if I wasn't hands-on, so I was dreading calling her on my break today. But I kind of gave her permission to take obvious steps, and it did what they needed, so that was easier than anticipated.

* * *

Some suicides leave a note; ours left a whole notebook. It may seem like a macabre thing to hold onto but in fact it legit helped me to process, accept and move past some of the more pathetic realities of who my father was. Plus, it spells out details of how he wanted his remains dispositioned, and who specifically he wanted notified of his passing.

Toward the end of his life, when he started on his little gaslight narratives, I didn't sugar-coat my memories or the fact that they were corroborated by a preponderance of other witnesses. Nonetheless his letters paint a (false) picture of Mom as the source of lies which we kids for some reason chose to believe. So let there be no misunderstanding - we remember Dad as an abuser because we personally witnessed the abuse. We refuse to propagate the lie that "nothing happened" or "Mom was a delusional drunk". If anything, Mom tried to insulate us kids from these pathetic realities of who my father was... but the defects of his character could not be hidden by her alone.

In AlAnon we learned the 3 C's: we loved ones of alcoholics did not Cause the disease, we cannot Cure it or Control it. Some branches of the 12 Step movement acknowledge a 4th C: "...but we can Contribute to it". We can contribute to alcoholism in many ways; Dad's primary contributions were button-pushing and boundary-busting. "Mom had her problems", he would say, blithely glossing over the fact that he was among her biggest problems.

Anyway... that notebook has gone missing. Dug through the whole file tote, a box of recycling, cars and most every unlikely nook and cranny of the apt. I think it crossed my mind at one point to tuck it away someplace extra safe, but if I actually did, then I don't remember where.

I picked it up from the police station Thu 9/27, so it would have to have time-traveled to somehow end up in NJ. I can't picture myself unilaterally deciding not to keep it at any point, and I also can't picture myself carrying it around into the funeral home, bank, or anywhere else. Plus I think there were some scraps of notes about the family cemetery plot locations, and a safe combo (which safe maybe ended up at the hunting club lodge?)

One possibility is that I did see fit to remove and set aside the most organized, well-planned part with the intention of discarding the remaining incoherent bits. It does not feel authentic that I would do so without at least bagging the important part, clipping it together in original order, flagging it to find easily again amidst the jumble of bills, statements and scribbles.