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sat posted: Sat 2019-02-02 05:51:32 tags: n/a
Transition Le Mew to lysine maint routine at 1x daily with evening feeding
last night's dishes rinsed and dishwashered
9:30 AlAnon / High House Rd Triangle Alano Club (TAC)

Attendance at Christ the King Lutheran's Wed 8pm meetings was ~20; this TAC meeting was more like 80ish. There were no awkward silences, nor awkwardly lengthy shares. After the meeting, the guy seated next to me introduced himself, welcomed me as a newcomer to that meeting time/place, and mentioned another meeting he enjoys: Sunday 7pm at St Francis of Assisi Church's Laverna Center on Leesville Rd in Raleigh. That's a far hike for a 1-hour meeting to me so probably not anytime soon. I did recognize a couple faces from Wed.

Way back in my early AlAnon attendance in SoFla, I got to thinking about what it even means to "share my story". What's the "elevator speech" or "thumbnail" summary of what brought me to AlAnon. Is "what brought me" a complete story or at this point, should I also incorporate the "why do I keep coming back". And reflecting on that, I have to also reflect on the most focal problem that prompted me to consult a therapist in the first place: time management, particularly punctuality and procrastination.

Thinking back, the earliest job I remember where punctuality became a distinct problem was as a keyholder at the bookstore. I had worked at the Christmas card factory, the home/hardware store, and the check printing company by that point. Maybe it was a problem at the card factory but I don't remember any warning incidents. But as a bookstore keyholder I was responsible for getting the store open by a particular time, and there was a pre-opening process of booting and initializing registers, and a commute to negotiate, and being showered and dressed and having some kind of meal in me so I wasn't falling apart by lunchtime, etc.

I got curious about the when of the punctuality pattern problem's emergence, because I had it kind of stuck in my head that self-defeating strategies bridging from young adulthood to past age 25 or so become more difficult to undo or overcome. But my own experience (with smoking and alcohol habits) doesn't even dovetail with that theory. I quit smoking at age 38 without any urgent medical reason to do, and the transformation begun with my isolation/alcohol epiphany in 2013 was fully realized by the time I shacked up with Miss in 2016.

Knowing when the pattern started to emerge doesn't really help with the solution though. There are two ways to interpret it: One interpretation is the one that perked my ears up when Dawn had me read from The Big Red Book, about procrastinating to generate stress because we became addicted to it growing up in a dysfunctional household and don't "feel normal" without some stress. The other interpretation is simply that on some level, I must be OK with taking undue advantage of weak boundaries. If the latter theory is true then it would self-consistent for me to pounce in the former explanation, simply as a matter of ego defense. But given that I generally work through lunch, skip breaks or work-from-home extra to compensate for my late arrivals, the latter theory doesn't really explain much either.

fueled up the Fiat
ATM for cash

Before I left, I poured a serving of cereal, but before I added smilk I realized I didn't really have the time nor the appetite to eat it. So I put it in a plastic zip-seal bag rather than pour it back into the box, because it was about exactly half the remaining cereal and a sensible serving size. The baggie would spare me the effort of re-measuring by eye? And thought nothing further of it until I got home. When I retrieved the baggie, Miss asked me why I had a baggie of cereal and I said something like who cares, is it important? I said that because it's draining to have to analyze and justify every trivial, instantaneous decision that affects no one but me. Apparently my ongoing resistance to overanalysis on demand means I'm "angry". On a scale of 1 to 10, my fury was a white-hot 2 - but hey, when one needs an excuse to withdraw and mope and sulk and ruminate all day, any excuse will do. Not the first time we've had this kind of exchange about draining demands for overanalysis, but no progress toward a handy signal to indicate "the effort of explaining far outweighs the meaninglessness and inconsequence", so that I don't resent demands for verbal overanalysis of inconsequentials AND she feels safe that the baggie of cereal doesn't portend some need-to-know life upheaval. I do know that I'm not signing up for a lifetime of tedious verbalization of inconsequential minutiae. I'm not going to transform into someone who cheerfully splurges mental and verbal effort on meaningless details. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that the pattern be observed already.

Folded and put away all the laundry that wasn't specifically hers
Christened the new big pickled veg jar; saved some chilis and scotch bonnets for next round
6 breakfast burritos. Need more eggs.

vac laundry rm
financial filing; plan a distro

A few nights ago we watched "The Virgin Suicides". Not sure what I expected, but it was a desperately heartbroken story that concludes redeemed only by technicals like camera direction. Last night we blended up a pitcher of strawberry margaritas and watched "Despicable Me 3", which was visually amazing and a deeper story than I expected.

Yesterday the conversation was "I want to get out of the house this weekend, what do you want to do this weekend?" "Well I've been itching to migrate my website to my new hosting account" "That's not getting out of the house" "OK well if you want to do something then name it and let's work from there". That's as far as that dialogue got before today's big stall, so eff it, I'mma try to replicate the blog database at least.